Brad Stine is The Devil

POSTED ON: 04/14/07 18:19:56

A few months ago I treated myself to a nice, fancy Denny's breakfast with that day's edition of the Los Angeles Times as my only company. On the front page was an article about a movement designed to make Christianity more masculine. Never had a story caused me to laugh loudly/curse violently in public before. I don't have a problem with people having faith. However, I think it's utterly disgusting when faith is manipulated to make money which is what this story is clearly about. Below I have commented on a few phrases from that article. I highly suggest reading the entire article before reading my comments.

This is how the article begins:

"The strobe lights pulse and the air vibrates to a killer rock beat. Giant rock screens show mayhem and gross-out pranks: a car wreck, a sucker punch, a flabby (and naked) rear end, sealed with duct tape."

A car wreck? A sucker punch? BRILLIANT! I know that I would go to traditional "****-feminine" church if they showed clips from Deadliest Police Pursuits. I can't believe this wasn't thought of sooner. Egregious violence and the acceptance of Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, the two go together like ham and cheese. As for the duct tape fat ****, take that gays... and... people who... poop.

GodMen, which is what Stine has cleverly called this testosterone fueled movement, includes:

"paintball wars... wilderness retreats and X-rated chats about lust."

Other features of these GodMen retreats include nightly ****-bashings and a theater that plays 'Braveheart' on a continuous loop where big, tough, manly Christian men gather and circle jerk around a pile of Torahs, Korans and Boy George albums.

Stine on traditional Christian church:

"Hold hands with strangers? Sing love songs to Jesus? No wonder pews across America hold far more women than men. Factor in the pressure to be a 'Christian nice guy' - no cussing, no confrontation, in tune with the wife's emotions - and it's amazing men keep the faith at all."

You tell 'em, Brad. Everyone knows that only sissy queers hold hands and sing songs to other men. And it's common knowledge that God encourages men to say things like **** and ****. He has clearly stated on several occasions that he prefers men to beat the **** out of all gays and scientists he encounters. And the last time I checked, God gave us glorious penis'. If the Almighty Lord wanted us to be in tune with the wife's emotions he would've given us ovaries and boobies and all that junk. I'm gonna be the man that God intended me to be, and if my wife don't like it then I'll feed her the same knuckle sandwich that them faggots and fact-tellers are gonna be feedin' on. YEE-HAW. Bush in '08!

On the musical entertainment at GodMen ceremonies:

"Cue up the GodMen house band, which opens the revival with a thrashing challenge to good boys: Forget the yin and the yang / I'll take the boom and the bang / Don't need in touch with my feminine side / All I want is my testosterone high."

Only one band could pull off combining borderline retarded and completely immature lyrics with the incredibly difficult A-A-B-B rhyme scheme... GodMen, please welcome... NICKELBACK!!!!

Christian radio host Paul Coughlin on Jesus:

"Jesus was a very bad Christian... the son of God trashed a temple and even used profanity - or the New Testament equivalent - when he called Herod that fox."

Fox was a curse word? Ohhhh, now that passage makes a lot more sense to me. I thought Jesus was sexually attracted to Herod. I wonder if there's anything else in the Bible that - when you take into account all that humankind has discovered in the past couple thousand years - no longer makes sense. Hmmmmm.

Roland Martinson, Professor of Ministry at Luther Seminary in St. Paul, Minnesota, on the way Jesus is portrayed:

"He's been domesticated... He's portrayed now as gentle, loving, kind, rather than as a full-bodied person who kicks over tables in the temple, spent 40 days in the wilderness wrestling with his identity and with God, hung out with the guys in the street. The rough-hewn edges and courage... got lopped off."

What you say may be true, Mr. Martinson. But have you thought this thing out? What about all those WWJD bracelets and bumper stickers and license plate covers out there? If you continue on with this new and improved alpha male/roid jock Jesus, tables in temples all over the world would suffer. And this 40 days of wilderness wrasslin' you speak of... do you mean - what the WWE proclaimed as - THE SINGLE GREATEST TRIPLE THREAT MATCH OF ALL TIME! In my opinion, it couldn't have possibly been better than the one at WWE's Vengeance in 2002 when The Rock won his 7th WWE Championship, an all time record I might add, by defeating the Undertaker and Kurt Angle. But I'm afraid that is a debate that will be forever one sided since there is no official record of the Jesus vs. Identity vs. God Triple Threat Match, causing some to speculate that Jesus lied about the match - or as he called it "The Whoopin' in the Woods" - to cover up the real reason that he disappeared for 40 days. What reason was that, you ask? Well, there are those that believe Jesus, on the advisement of his father, checked himself into rehab to treat his water-into-wine abuse.

Stine to his GodMen:

"Are you ready to grab your sword and say, 'OK, family, I'm going to lead you."

said Stine during one of those X-rated chats about lust.

Stine on his list of a real man's rules for his woman:

Rule #1 "Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down."

Rule #2: mi dishes es su dishes.

Rule #3: It would be wrong of me to put it in your butt if you were a man, but since you ain't, take it with a smile.

More from the GodMen house band:

"You're not a slave, break the chains / We've had enough, cowboy up / In the power of Jesus' name."

With the success of 'Brokeback Mountain,' Nickelback has since pulled this song from their set list.

On how GodMen has influenced one of it's members:

"...he has ditched the nice-guy reflex of always turning the other cheek. When he spots a Wal-Mart clerk writing 'Happy Holidays' on a window, he boldly complains: it should say 'Merry Christmas.' The clerk erases the offending greeting. Chalk one up for Christian testosterone."

Ahh, there's nothing like watching testosterone being used as God intended... to make non-believers uncomfortable at a mega-store that is single handedly destroying small retail businesses in America as we know it. God is beautiful, God is glorious.

For video pieces by ABC News and Fox News, click here.

FYI - I have forwarded this blog to Brad Stine's MySpace as well as GodMen's MySpace. I'm not one to say **** behind anyone's back.

My Parents = FUCKING LIARS!!!

POSTED BY: stevenspaid

POSTED ON: 04/14/07 18:18:22

I would love to meet Daffy Duck. I mean the REAL Daffy Duck that we all know and love from the TV. This has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember.

When I was a lil' boy I would refuse to eat my vegetables until I met my hero but then my dad said he would "beat me into next week" unless I did. I always caved.

On the morning of my 23rd birthday my FUCKING LIAR PARENTS woke me up at 7:00am. They said that they were going to take me to Six Flags so that, as they put it, "I could finally meet Daffy Duck and hopefully get off their fucking cases for once in their lives." So we all piled into the car and drove to my destiny.

It was a hot summer day and we searched high and low for D-Duck but he was no where to be found. Then, as the announcement saying that the park would be closing in 15 minutes came, a transmission came on my walkie-talkie from my SHITHEAD FIBBER FATHER. He said that he had found "that mother fucking duck" just outside of Gotham City. I was so excited. My MISLEADING TWAT MOTHER and I were over by Viper when the transmission came in. I ran north up the hill past Roaring Rapids, cut east through Samurai Summit past Ninja (the black belt of roller coasters), then tumbled south through Yosemite Sam's Sierra Falls and sprinted underneath Superman The Escape finally arriving at Gotham.

I looked around desperately for my DECEIVER DICKHEAD DAD and, more importantly, Daffy D. I spotted them over by the Bat Mobile in front of the Pizza Vector. I had never been more disappointed in all my life. My FABRICATOR FUCKFACE FATHER was standing there with, what was obviously, just a guy in a Daffy costume. I have never nor will I ever cry as hard as I did that summer night.

But the dream lives on, my faith is unwavering.

Oh, and Bugs, you're cute and charming and all, but if you hurt Double D one more fucking time we're going to have issues.

You Need a Man That Doesn't Like Dick

POSTED BY: stevenspaid

POSTED ON: 04/14/07 18:15:02

I got so FUCKED UP the other night. I'm not saying this in the "when I drink I drink a lot so that makes me a big strong man" sort of way, it's more like a "when I drink this much I make the dumbest decisions ever I should really consider quitting but I know that will never happen someone please answer my desperate cries for help" kind of thing. Now I'm not going to give you that stupid exaggerated drink tally, just know that I was WASTED.

I get off work and decide to meet up with my good friend Chris Case at a local bar. My intentions were to just have a couple drinks then split but that never seems to happen when I drink with Case. I've done some of the most ridiculous things after a night of drinking with that guy. For example, one time I ended up on my girlfriends living room floor covered in toilet paper and seductively singing the theme song to Nip/Tuck. Theres plenty more where that came from but thats another blog for another day.

Case and I are hanging out and drinking and just having a good time. At one point he gets up to go to the bathroom and the girl he was sitting next to asks me to scoot on over. I do and we start talking. So were chit-chatting and she tells me that I have beautiful teeth (which I do) and that I have the greatest lips (which they are, officially) and I'm so drunk that I cant even think of something nice to say about her, not because there was nothing nice about her, she was very cute, I was just in full retard mode by this point and I forgot how to have thoughts let alone begin the process of actually verbalizing those thoughts. So she's saying all these wonderful things about me and I'm just sitting there speechless, trying to figure out something to say but nothing is coming to me and I can see a look of concern beginning to develop in her face. I did the only thing I could think of and just laid the greatest lips of all time on her. She was receptive and I was relieved.

Last call comes around and she leans over to me and whispers in my ear, "Come back to my place and **** the **** out of me." I paused for about 15 seconds and wondered; what if she meant that literally? That would be disgusting if I was porkin' down on some chick from behind and out of nowhere she starts extruding pooh. Anyhow, I snap back to reality and we go out to her car where her friend is talking with some guy and we decide that I'm going to follow them home. So I hop in my truck and start it up and the next thing I know the guy that was talking to my girl's friend is knocking on my passenger window. I unlock the door and he jumps in and starts bouncing around my cabin, singing, "Were gonna bang some sluts YEAH, Were gonna bang some sluts!" Ive never heard this song before, but it was catchy and he did have a beautiful singing voice.

We're driving and R Kelly tells me, through song, to pull into a liquor store so that we can get some beer and cigarettes and, of course, condoms or raincoats as he (and my dad in 1974) called it. We pull up and I offer to go in and grab the necessities. Once I get inside I start feverishly power walking up and down the aisles looking for condoms. After about my 3rd lap up the cereal/soup/laundry detergent aisle I bump into my roommate and her friend. Without even saying hello, I throw some money at them and garble, "Beer... cigs... rettes... raincoats... truck!", and walk back to the truck. I dont know how they understood what I was talking about but next thing I know were pulling up to the girl's house with all the goods.

The four of us head straight for the couch once we get inside. Montell Jordan and his girl start talking while my girl and I pick up right where we left off. Next thing I recall Im waking up to her dog, Benny (at least I remembered someones name), biting the **** (not literally) out of my arm. I passed out mid make-out. I get up and notice Joey Fatone still just talking to his girl. He is trying to convince this girl to **** the **** out of him (I would not be surprised if he meant that literally, he was weird like that). Some of the things this guy was saying was ridiculously awesome. She kept repeatedly telling him that she had a boyfriend that she loved and he kept replying with things that made no sense like, "Your boyfriend's a ****. Truth hurts, doesn't it?" and, my personal favorite, "Your boyfriend sucks **** and you need to be with a man that don't like ****, I'm that man, ****'s not my thing."

I get up and start motioning to Rico Suave that it's time to bail but he's not having it. He keeps telling to me to wait. Apparently he has her right where he wants her. So finally after about 20 minutes of sitting there and listening to this guy talk out of his **** I get up and start heading for the door. He gets up and asks, "Where are you going?" I open the door, put a cigarette in my mouth and reply, "I'm just going out to have a smoke, I'll be back." I step outside, light up my cigarette and start sprinting for my truck. I get in, turn the ignition, speed away and laugh.

I really hope that douche bag got some. Otherwise, I'd feel really bad.

Chris, always a pleasure. Sorry for bailing on you but at least I wasn't your ride.

My Mommy's Got a Valentine, It's S - T - E - V - E

POSTED BY: stevenspaid

POSTED ON: 04/14/07 18:13:56

Valentine's Day has always been a special day for me which is ironic considering that I have never had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day. What makes this day so special is that my Mom has always treated this day like a mini Christmas. Instead of buying us a crappy card or flowers or chocolate she would always get us a really cool gift, usually something from our Christmas lists (yes, I still give my mother a Christmas list) that she didn't have time to get (my lists usually ran into the 100's). Anyhow, this year was no different as you can tell from the voice message she left me...

CREEPY VOICEMAIL LADY: Second - un - heard - message - - - since - at - six - thirty - six - p -m...

MOMMY: Hi sweetie, it's your mother. Listen, just wanted to call to wish you a happy Valentine's Day...

LITTLE SISTER: (Shouting in the background) Happy Valentine's Day, ****!!!

MOMMY: Taryn says hello. Um, I don't know if your working or what have you but whenever you get a chance come stop by the house... I got you a lil' something-something for Valentine's Day. So... yeah... how does that sound? Okay..

LITTLE SISTER: (Singing) Steven's a ****. Steven's a ****!!!

MOMMY: Well, honey, I hope to see you soon. I miss you. Come over whenever you get a chance... or not... whatever. Um, oh and also, your father had to leave town for work and Mikey is snowboarding in Mammoth until Sunday so if you decide to come over it will be just your sister and I... See you soon... my Valentine... bye bye.

LITTLE SISTER: Bye, Faggot!!!

CREPPY VOICEMAIL LADY: End - of - message - - - to delete - this - message - press - seven - - - to save it in the archives - press - nine (9 is pressed)

My Mom is so sweet. I wish I could find a woman like her.

I got you a lil' something-something for Valentine's Day too, Mom. But I want to give it to you in front of Dad, Taryn and Mikey.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

What Have I Been Up To???

POSTED BY: stevenspaid

POSTED ON: 04/14/07 18:12:22

I have always felt that My Space is a great way to keep in touch with friends and reconnect with past acquaintances (and see near pornographic pictures of barely legal teens). Recently, I have received many messages from people that I went to high school with. They're all doing well. Very well. In fact, much better than me. Many of them have graduated from universities, landed great jobs, gotten married, had kids, bought a house, etc. As for myself, I am far less accomplished which makes my replies to my former classmates a tricky task. At first I thought about lying but that is something that should be used on an individual or small group (girlfriends and family members outside of your immediate family) and not your entire high school class. Then I thought about not replying at all but how is that going to get me the attention that I crave so badly? So I settled on telling the truth. Below is one of the many replies that I have sent to my former classmates of Glendora High Class of 1999.

Hey, it is so nice to hear from you after all these years. To answer your first question: No, I don't wear Blink-182 shirts every day anymore but I still enjoy their music every now and then. I can't believe that you have a kid. It seems like only yesterday that you'd stroll the halls of good old GHS quoting Adam Sandler movies ALL THE TIME. What have I been up to? Well, my life - much like your own - has been very fulfilling and joyous. Here are just a few of the many highlights of my life since graduation (in order of importance)...

#1

God has blessed me with a beautiful and healthy beard. It's hard to believe that I grew that out of my own face. It's a good beard. I'll be sure to send some pictures your way.

#2

I moved to Orlando in 2002 and lived there for about 18 months. I was looking for a change of scenery and a friend of mine told me that there weren't as many Mexicans out there. He was right, there's hardly any. But he failed to inform me that Orlando is full of Puerto Ricans. They are like Mexicans but with knives and without the work ethic.

#3

I have had two MAJOR relationships (with girls). Combined they have lasted about as long as a stick of Extra Sugar Free Gum. The first girl dumped me because I was too nice (which I am working on) and the second **** - who had previously dated black guys exclusively - left me immediately after sleeping with me for the first time. She gave no reason just uncontrollable laughter followed by uncontrollable weeping from the laughter.

#4

During my 18 months in Orlando, I applied to, was accepted to, attended, and graduated from the Audio Recording and Technology Institute. It was a grueling 12 week course that, at times, made me want to quit. But I'm sure that you know what that's like, after all you did just finish up law school.

#5

Since graduating from high school I have earned over $150,000.00.

- Checking: $7.17 (3 transactions pending)

- Savings: $0.09 (last deposit 01/01/2000, last withdrawal 01/02/2000. That was a short lived new year's resolution.)

- Assets: None
- Fridge: Empty

#6

I recently purchased an iPod. 2,756 songs and counting. Complete arsenal of all the accessories. Click wheel - mastered.

#7

I am in the middle of my 4th year as a bartender at TGI Fridays. I refuse to leave until I am crowned The World's Best Bartender. It may seem meaningless at first but watch Cocktail and I'm sure that you'll have some thoughts of giving up environmental law to pursue the chance to be recognized as one of the world's top mixologists. Did you know that you'll find a propeller in every TGI Friday's bar? It's to represent how the bar is the driving force of the entire restaurant. I'm a part of that driving force!!! Isn't it such a great feeling knowing that you're doing something positive and important with your life?

Well, there you go. You're happy, I'm happy. Life has been good to us both. We're just a few of the lucky ones.

Take care and good luck with the new house.

Sincerely,

Neuter

Feeds

	offline
	stevenspaid